In a week and a half Christmas will be here. It’s one of those holidays that people either love or hate. There’s little middle ground. The rushing around, shopping, struggling with finances, office parties, family get-togethers – all of these things and more serve to make what should be a joyous season of celebrating the gift of Jesus Christ into a time of stress and depression.
For other people the holidays have become a depressing time because a loved one is no longer with them. The first Christmas without the loved one is probably the most difficult. The empty chair at the table has become the elephant in the room. Does the family talk about the person who has gone before, or is the subject taboo because it’s too hard to deal with?
It’s been customary in my family to talk about our memories around the holiday tables. This Christmas will be the tenth since Mom passed, but we’ve never been reluctant to talk about her and our many escapades back on the farm. The memories bring us laughter and joy. Your family dynamics may be different than ours, but allow me to encourage you to embrace the memories – even the bad ones. This is what keeps our loved one alive in her hearts.
Indulge me while I share some of my memories of Mom. I think she would be surprised to know that everyone in the family thought of her as an animal person. She would have denied it vehemently, but after hearing a few stories and seeing a few pictures, you be the judge..
Mom always put on a gruff exterior when it came to animals. On the farm we had cows, pigs, barn cats, dogs, ducks and chickens. For a few years we had peacocks, and for a short time we had a horse. And then a llama. She milked the cows and fed the livestock. We drank raw milk (and didn’t die). Mom made butter from the cream. When we had chickens we had our own eggs.
There was one thing we didn’t have, however: animals in the house. Not officially, that is. I loved my cats and always had a special one or two that I brought into the house for a few minutes – or an hour. Frankly I kept them in as long as I could get away with it, because I knew sooner or later Mom would say, “Put that cat out.”
This dynamic lasted for the first 25 years of my life. Later in life I had my own apartment and for the first time had a bona fide house cat, named Cindy. When it became necessary to move home, there was no question about Cindy moving in with me. Mom (or “Grandma” as Cindy called her) didn’t seem to mind having a cat in the house. In fact, she was quite fond of her.
We had broken the glass ceiling. The way had been paved for a whole series of indoor cats. The next to come along was Holly. I named her after my childhood best friend who found the cat on the road near her family home, but couldn’t keep her. Of course we would take her! Mom could never say no to Holly – either the cat or the human!
The trickle soon became a torrent.. I found Joey and Sparkle abandoned in the barn. We didn’t know who the mother was, but they were starving, so.of course we had to take care of them! They were so young that Mom and I had to bottle feed them. The deal was that they would stay in the house until they were old enough to go out to the barn. Somehow they never got old enough to go out to the barn.
A few years later and another litter of abandoned kittens. This time there were four of them, and once again Mom and I bottle fed kittens. Three of them made it out to the barn, but my special girl, Oksana, had to stay with me. Mom didn’t argue, but I seem to recall her making a non-commital “Harumph” sound.
And then there was the mis-named Daniel who we thought was a boy, but ended up being a girl. She knew her name by that point, so there was no changing it. She was another bottle-fed kitty. This petite little tabby was the only cat Grandma – Mrs. “I don’t sleep with cats” – welcomed on her bed. Tragically little Daniel was hit by a car at only a few years old. Devastating.
Mom would never admit that she loved her animals. Her favorite saying on this subject was, “You can’t love anything that can’t love you back.” Her actions throughout her life spoke louder than her protests, however. And as any animal lover will tell you, animals do love you back.
This Christmas if you have an empty seat at your table fill it with memories. That is how we keep our loved ones alive in our hearts. You may laugh at the memories, or you may cry. Either response is healthy. While we never forget them we must also look to the future. We have our lives to live, and if you are a Christian, you have a task to perform for God. Read Philippians 3:7-9. This is how you can honor your loved one’s memory.